By Travis Thompson
Driving up and down the roads this summer, we’ve crossed paths with a bunch of different Pickups and SUV’s sporting different bumper stickers. Here’s your handy guide to interpreting what those stickers mean . . .
Costa – Dude has a 6 CD Changer in his ’98 F150 – it’s loaded with 5 Kenny Chesney CD’s and a Florida Georgia Line . . . He may wear skinny jeans . . .
Yeti – His coffee is in a $40 mug. It’s probably French Roast.
Avery – He has 200 decoys he’s never used still new in the boxes, sitting in his garage. He bought them on sale. It was a really good sale.
Pro-Drive – His kids won’t be attending college. He kills piles of ducks, though . . .
Ducks Unlimited – He still has to schedule a trip to hunt reindeer in Iceland that he bid on because he was overserved
Mud Motor Central – He owns a $40k duck boat. He killed 2 ducks last year.
Browning – Listens to Luke Bryan on repeat.
Benelli – Paid $700 for his cowboy boots.
National Wild Turkey Federation – Legit hunter. May need to schedule a trip to hunt turkeys in Turkey (due to being overserved)?
Pheasants Forever – Just kidding – they don’t have bumper stickers
United Waterfowlers of Florida – Legit Waterfowler. May need to schedule a trip to hunt wood ducks in my back yard.
HeviShot – He’s single. The G Loomis of the Ammo world.
Orvis – Do not make eye contact. He’s like a cross-fitting vegan – you WILL end up in a 4 hour conversation about “Cesar Guerini” or “Silver Labs” . . .
RealTree/Mossy Oak – He bought his bumper stickers at Wal Mart
Bass Pro Shops – Carries most of his tackle around in a plastic shopping bag. Can’t wait to tell you about the sale he just got on Columbia shirts.
Duck Commander – Nice guy. Believes in America and hard work and legacy and heritage and whatnot. Can’t tell a Mallard from a Merganser.
GoPro – He’s 17 years old, and has a YouTube Channel with 6 million subscribers. You will never be more successful than he is right now. Or he’s 42 and in a mid-life crisis. Potato. Potato.
Gator-tail – He’s debating about the Stage 4 conversion kit upgrade. It’s not a real debate. It’s probably already been ordered.
Banded – He has a spelling test on Thursday, right after P.E.
Tanglefree – He has a spread of foam wood duck decoys that would rival most guys diver lines. Legit hunter.
Hardcore – He has 9 different blind bags. All bought on sale at Bass Pro.
Halo Waterfowl – He has the nicest jacket of anyone you’ll ever come across. And an unlimited supply of hoodies.
Delta Waterfowl – Legit Outdoorsman. Needs to schedule a trip to hunt wood ducks 3 miles from his house. May have been overserved.
SmithOptics – He is cooler than you. Also he fly fishes. And snowboards. If he’s not out shredding the gnar . . . Via con dios, bro . . .
Mack’s Prairie Wings – Has 4 pair of waders. None of them fit correctly, but he couldn’t pass up those prices . . .
Mojo – Legit hunter. But. He’s spent $240 the last 2 seasons buying replacement chargers, as they seem to vanish into thin air.
Salt Life – In honor of my daughter taking the SAT’s, Salt Life is to Bumper stickers as tramp stamps are to tattoos, or Kenny Chesney is to music . . .
Engel – He enrolled in their pro staff while Yeti’s program was closed
Does any of this remind you of one of your bumber sticker sporting buddies? Let us know in the comments!