10 Duck Hunter Stereotypes

This is it.  We’ve studied research and science and numbers and data and we’ve concluded that these are the 10 people most likely to be your hunting partner.  How’d we do?  Let us know in the comments:

What Duck Is That

The What Duck is That Guy (WDITG) is hilarious as you grow to know him.

“Here they come.  Pintails.  Man, that’s a bunch of them.”

“Those are Ringnecks”

Lather.  Rinse.  Repeat.  He’s done this for years, been in on the harvest of hundreds or thousands of ducks, and still he pulls this at least once a trip.

“Cans.  Those are Cans.  Wow look at them.”

“Dude, those are wood ducks”

Enjoy WDITG – as you read on, you’ll realize he’s one of the more innocuous partners you’ll have on the hunt.

The Sleeper –

How many times have you had to wake up the Sleeper?  He falls asleep shortly after the decoys have been set, and doesn’t wake up until the first volley at daylight.  If then.

Cardinal rule on my boat – no one wakes the Sleeper.  It’s a proven fact that even a light shake will cause him to flare any and all birds working your spread.  The Sleeper is taught a lesson by missing out . . .

The Sports Announcer –

We all know the Sports Announcer . . .

“Here they come.  Get ready.  They’re redheads and they’re coming straight to us.  Hit your call.  Hit it now.  Wait.  Hang on.  Nope.  Those aren’t redheads.  Wait.  Yes they are.  Hit your other call.  Wait.  Nope.  Nevermind.  They kept going.  Man, when they turned toward us I would’ve sworn they were Cans, but it must’ve been the way the sun was glaring.  Anyway.  Did you see them bank?  I thought they were going to come until all of a sudden they didn’t.  Weird.  I wonder why they didn’t come.  You think someone flared them?  I don’t know . . . I don’t think anything flared them I think they just wanted to be in that other pocket.  Maybe there’s a different food source over there.  We need to check that out . . . Wait – hang on – here come some more . . . ”

Sure, he understands duck hunting and keeps his voice low, but every flight is narrated like Sunday afternoon at Augusta.

The Loud Talker –

You know this guy.  We all know this guy.  Heck, he doesn’t even have to be in your blind – you can hear him from 300 yards away . . . His voice, coupled with the way sound moves across water, gives you an inside look to his day’s success or shortcomings, as he announces ever coot or merganser or mallard as though he’s trying to keep you in the loop.  The problem surfaces when he’s in your blind, announcing your collective kills.  Successful days begin to feel more “constrained” as boats start to edge onto your cover, slowly at first, more quickly as the Loud Talker announces “ANOTHER WALL MOUNT BLUEWING” to everyone on the lake.

The Speed Demon –

This guy.  Completely out of control.  He’s identifiable by the dual surface drives, each the size of a refrigerator, mounted to the back of the boat.  The boat that’s bottom painted with Frog Spit or Gator Glide or some other “adds 3 mph” gimmick.  The same boat sounds like a group of Hell’s Angels on Freedom Ride when he cranks her up, as he’s running the Stage 17 modification kit.  You don’t see him on the way out, beyond the blur that is his running lights.  On the way back, this is the boat that passes you like you’re standing still.  The Speed Demon is fun to ride with.  Once.

The Patient One –

This hunter, more than any other, makes you pray for limits.

Picture it.  It’s 11:30 in the morning.  You’ve been sitting out here for 7 hours.  You’re tired.  You’re hungry.  You want to go home and watch football.  This is when you turn to the Patient One and say “You ’bout ready to head in . . . ”

“Nope.”  He’ll shake his head and spit his Grizzly.  “Let’s give it a little more time.  They’ll fly.”

Only go with this guy if you KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that there is a hard end to the hunt (his daughter’s wedding?  His wedding?) or you are CERTAIN of a limit.  If you disobey this rule, you deserve the stale beef jerky you’ll be lunching on.

The Noise Factory –

Vietnam.  A 747 landing while you stand on the tarmac.  Front row at a Def Leppard concert.  These are all things quieter than the Noise Factory.

In my personal experience, the warier the quarry you’re pursuing, the more likely you are to have a Noise Factory on board.  Got divers trying to land in the decoys while you’re picking them up?  That’s the day the Noise Factory stays home.  Got eagle-eyed wood ducks that have been pressured hard?  Noise Factory will seal the deal, every time.  Don’t even get me started on having this cat on my Tarpon boat . . . Avoid the Noise Factory at all cost.  You have been warned.

The Human Lifejacket –

This guy is my favorite.

He really came just to be social.  His gun is leaning against the corner of the blind.  It may not be loaded.

I usually will let this guy visit and chat along, but I’ll always warn him that he’s going to get “shushed” rudely, albeit unintentionally.  He understands.

Why is he the Human Life Jacket?  Because he’s just there in case you need him.  Or to help if you fall in.

The Kitchen Pantry –

The Kitchen Pantry is one of my favorites – he shows up to the ramp with a Coleman stove, two ice chests, a bag filled with non-perishables, and an extra cup of coffee, in case you forgot yours.  5 ducks into the morning, he’s whipping up bacon and eggs, topping off your coffee, offering you gourmet beef jerky or a cheese platter or whatever else he’s brought.

If you find a Kitchen Pantry, hang on to him or her with your life!  A bad day in the duck blind with breakfast is better than a bad day with no breakfast.  A good day in the duck blind with breakfast is better than a good day.  In other words, duck hunts are always better with breakfast.

The Mute –

The opposite of the Noise Factory.  The Mute is a delight if you enjoy the outdoors; he goes about his morning with minimal noise, no slamming hatches, no questions, no running commentary.  The downside to the mute is his nature will not allow him to alert you to the few things you may want to know about – a pod of teal approaching from behind; pooling water in the bottom of the boat; the Swedish bikini team doing a photo shoot 45 yards behind you.  Still these are risks I’m generally okay with taking.

The Bad Investment –

I don’t know what else to call this guy.  Every trip.  Without fail.  He drops something or loses something or leaves something at the ramp.  Mojo battery?  Kerplunk.  Box of shells?  Overboard.  New Benelli?  NO DON’T TOUCH THAT!!!  Thank goodness decoys can float.

Can We Shoot Coots Guy –

Yeah.  I don’t know what do with him either.

What Duck Hunting stereotypes did we miss?  Call out a buddy who fits in one of these buckets!